After losing his wife, Jarie Bolander, an entrepreneur and author in San Francisco, discovers that friendship with other men, rather than time or success, helped him through his grief.
Bolander reveals that he was not good at making male friends. However, following his loss, friends like Troy and Greg stood by him with openness, solidarity, and resoluteness. They became the lifeline pulling him out of the depths of pain.
Recent research highlights a growing crisis: A 2021 American Social Survey report indicated that the percentage of men with six or more close friends dropped from 55% in 1990 to 27%. Alarmingly, the percentage of men without close friends increased fivefold, from 3% to 15%. This trend is fueling a public health crisis, as highlighted by the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
Bolander attributes part of the problem to societal expectations for men to be tough, independent, and emotionally restrained. Male friendships often revolve around shared activities, such as sports or work, rather than open emotional exchanges. As these activities diminish over time, so do friendships.
To rebuild connections, Bolander took deliberate steps, including joining relay races with friends and starting Jiu-Jitsu training. These activities rekindled his sense of belonging and purpose.
Tips for Building Male Friendships
Bolander’s experiences offer actionable advice:
- Participate in shared activities: Classes, teams, or clubs provide opportunities for friendships to blossom from shoulder-to-shoulder interaction to heart-to-heart bonding.
- Reach out: A simple “thinking of you” message can open doors to meaningful conversations.
- Accept vulnerability: Admitting the need for connection isn’t weakness; it’s a courageous step toward building deep ties.
- Face challenges together: Engaging in difficult tasks or challenges fosters stronger connections.
“Friendship doesn’t just happen. It requires effort, but that effort can save a life. I know because it saved mine,” Bolander concludes.
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